I’m Still The Same Person, But Not The Same Person

I go back to being the same as always: a person able to get excited, to savor life in bites, sips and hugs. I put aside what I was until recently, I had forgotten myself to give priority to others, I was a pale reflection of broken dreams and bitter disappointments, but little by little I managed to heal, to find myself .

We have all, in one way or another, gone through these moments of personal crisis that made us realize how far we had distanced ourselves from our emotional north, from our inner universe. Eventually, with an act of marvelous courage and admirable personal struggle, we will retrace our steps, on the footprints we left on the sand of our emotional oceans to regain our self-esteem, our integrity.

Now, in this delicate psychological process of recovering one’s identity and values, we must remember that we will never return completely immune. On the return trip many things change, we look in the mirror proud of having put aside what was hurting us, we will not be the same as before and maybe not even the same as always.

We will be a better version of ourselves. It is, however, a process that takes time, undoubtedly, because even if we have moved away from that source of pain, no one goes into a state of happiness and calm on the spot. We need time, will, care and trust.

We invite you to reflect on the subject.

I am a person who suffers and I don’t have the courage to change

This data is curious and it is necessary to think about it for a moment. Stopping being the person in pain means taking a series of steps that not everyone is willing to take. First, you need to become aware of your malaise. Then, the person must feel the real need for a change and, finally, must work on a very complicated aspect: the will.

Maybe these steps will surprise you, because who wouldn’t do them to put the suffering aside and feel better? In reality, there are also those who are unable to make that “leap”, that act of faith with which to recognize that they can, must and deserve to feel better. In fact, Viktor Frankl in his book  The Man in Search of Meaning explains that sometimes some people prefer to persist in a state of unhappiness before starting something they fear a lot: change.

For example, Anne Thorndike, a primary care physician at Massachusetts General Hospital, has shown that not all heart disease patients decide to lead a healthier lifestyle that ensures their survival. Furthermore, it is known that there are many women who do not leave their partner despite being unhappy and this out of fear, in particular fear of change.

Be the person ever, be the best

To go back to being the person you always have been, the one who had faith in others, who set goals and had hopes for his own life, it is necessary to train a “muscle” that we often neglect. It is a wonderful structure of our emotional and psychological architecture called “will”.

Kelly McGonigal’s book The Willpower Instinct explains how after several decades of research in this area it has been concluded that willpower is not something you have or don’t have. In reality, it is like a muscle, like a resource that must be used and also “restored” continuously. Because sometimes, as happens after physical activity, we are tired, exhausted and at the limit of our strength.

Sometimes we forget that we still have the strength to say “enough!”, That we still have a little voice, resources and energy to let go, to close a phase. We do not underestimate the seriousness of the psychological consequences of not changing certain aspects of one’s life.

Before concluding, there is one last aspect to consider. When we leave behind a complex phase, happiness is not guaranteed. It is not like closing a door, opening another and immediately feeling a warm, welcoming and enveloping breeze. The human brain is programmed to resist change, so it takes time and above all you have to “feed” it with new experiences and thoughts in order to accustom it to a new perception, a new point of view with which to open up to calm and well-being.

Read, walk, travel, change scenarios, favor social contact, start new hobbies, new projects. Little by little, you will realize that, in fact, you will return to being the same people as ever, but much stronger than before. Much wiser.

Images courtesy of Clare Elsaesser