Mediating Does Not Mean Talking, But Listening

Mediators take care of fostering dialogue between litigants, like two brothers fighting over an inheritance, two spouses forced to go to court for custody of children or neighbors who can’t stand each other. Their goal? Making sure that people who don’t even want to look at each other end up holding out their hand. Mediating does not mean speaking, but listening.

Mediation specialists argue that the best deal is one in which both parties perceive that the other has given in. These are the agreements that last over time. The mediators are “the non-protagonists of the film”, because the protagonists are the parties involved. Their job is to ask questions so that the parties involved hear each other and bring out the hidden truths.

Mediation also seems to be the key word in the political scenario. Political mediation absorbs the essential characteristics of mediation and, starting from them, the role of the mediator becomes that of facilitating a negotiation in a completely neutral way, having to refrain from intervening with suggestions or personal opinions on the subject of the dispute.

Mediate: understanding that comes from understanding needs

To mediate is to discover that the scenario is much larger than that seen by the parties involved in a negotiation. From this point of view, it is customary for each party to arrive at the negotiation with its perfectly prepared speech. They tried it at home, they know it by heart, they have no doubts; yet, on many occasions that discourse is built on what they feel and not on what actually happens.

The agreements, in order to be respected, must be approved by both parties. The mediator must accompany the negotiation in order to arrive at this final consensus. In this regard, some questions can be very effective. For example the question about the future “how would you like your relationship to be five years from now, and what do you need to do to make it become one?”.

When each side is able to understand the needs of the other, the magic of understanding takes place. Suddenly they transform, their eyes widen and begin to apologize. It is a technique that works even in the most difficult situations, even in cases where violence has been used. Mediating does not mean talking, but listening to the needs of the other.

The positions taken are closely related to feelings

90% of conflicts are due to emotions (for example, the fear that the other thinks that, by giving in once, he is forced to always give in; the fear of confessing what one really wants for fear of showing himself vulnerable) and lack of of communication. Emotions and lack of communication affect more or less all negotiations, be it a marriage separation or a corporate dispute. The most difficult conflicts are those that arise with the people we love, family, friends, partners, people we trust. This is because the emotions that come into play in this case are stronger.

Conflict is a characteristic of the human being. We are constantly immersed in different conflicts, not only with other people, but also with ourselves. As social beings as we are, we are in continuous relationship with others, and conflicts arise precisely from our relationships because of different interests. Often these are not really different, it is the parties involved who perceive them as such. In fact, the agreement that is reached in many cases is one of collaboration.

As already mentioned, one of the most frequent causes in the development of a conflict is communication. Communication is the basis of relationships between two or more people, and its development can lead to a conflict or resolve it, depending on the strategies adopted by the parties involved. In this perspective, the role of the mediator is to keep the communication channels open and to reach the final goal: to reach an agreement that satisfies the parties involved.