It Doesn’t Matter What You Say, But How You Say It

In the Little Prince it is said that “words are a source of misunderstanding”. It is a very wise phrase, if we consider the fact that it is not at all easy to transform our thoughts into words and express them in a way that our interlocutor understands them perfectly.  What we say must be understood, they cannot read our minds.

But the truth is, our messages are never 100% understood. If someone says, for example, “I am in love”, it refers to a feeling that others can hardly fully understand.

“I’m in love” can be synonymous with being full of hope and enthusiasm, having achieved a very close bond with your partner or simply feeling very attracted to someone. We need to know a person really well to understand what they mean when they say they are in love.

Words are not the only means by which we communicate, since they are accompanied by the attitude, the gestures, the position of the body. We can say something with words and communicate something completely opposite with the tone of voice, the look or our attitude in general. For this reason, learning to communicate is a real art.

What you say…

The greatest communication challenge occurs when we talk about our inner world. In particular of our feelings, our emotions or our perceptions. In addition to the fact that expressing all this in words is not easy, it is also impossible to free ourselves from the feelings and emotions we feel when we have to communicate certain things.

When we want to communicate something, we must always take into consideration the reaction we trigger in the listener. Usually, in fact, we do not communicate only to convey information, but mainly because we want to get something from our interlocutors. We want them to believe in us, to admire us, to value us or to understand us.

At other times, however, we want them to fear us, to obey us, to allow us to take the lead or to feel hurt . Sometimes we are aware of it, other times we are not. As strange as it sounds, sometimes our goal when communicating is to confuse. Do not make us understand, but be incomprehensible.

… and what is behind what has been said

It is precisely the intention that defines the essence of each message. You can compliment someone to acknowledge their value, but also flatter a person just to make them more vulnerable and fall into some kind of emotional manipulation.

Very often the intention of the communication is not clear even to ourselves. We think our goal is to help others or point out a mistake to them, but we don’t consider the possibility that we are the ones who are wrong.

We believe our purpose is to expose our feelings, but we ignore that deep down the only thing we want is to gain the compassion or admiration of others. And, if we don’t get it, we think it is others who have not understood us.

Beyond the words

Human communication is a complicated process, which does not always succeed. And it doesn’t just depend on the words we use to say things (even if they are very important), but on a set of factors.

Time, place and interlocutor must be taken into consideration. And above all we must make a great effort to make sure, as far as possible, that we really say what we mean. Human beings spend most of their time communicating. Not only with words, but also through the expression of the face, the way we dress, how we walk, our gaze, etc.

Much of our messages, therefore, are carried out unconsciously. When we decide that someone “doesn’t trust us”, it is because, through their actions or attitude, they have communicated to us that they may not be trustworthy. And we do the same too: what we communicate about ourselves builds the basis for creating constructive, destructive or neutral bonds.

Communicate in an affective way

The daily ties, starting from the very simple one with the baker we go to every day, are imbued with sensations and emotions that we probably don’t give much importance to. However, when it comes to the great emotional bonds of our life, the problem of communication takes on much greater importance.

It is at this point that it becomes more important than ever to develop some mechanisms that allow communication to flow in a healthy and positive way. To do this, it is important to eliminate some negative ways of communicating, and to stimulate positive communication.

In practice, it is necessary to learn to communicate affectionately. Talk about our feelings as clearly as possible, and avoid that bad habit of taking for granted what someone else is feeling. How can we understand what another person is feeling, if in reality very often we do not even know what we are feeling?

Aggressive communication also always leaves deep wounds. The only reactions of anger should be silence and pause: if we behave differently and try to communicate when we are angry, we will most likely deform what we wanted to say.

Positive communication needs serenity and relevance. We have to look for the right moment, place and mood to tackle difficult issues. And let our affection flow spontaneously when we feel calm and open towards others.

In reality, what ruins communication is not what we say, but the way we say it. And what enriches an important bond is being able to have the delicacy to choose the best way to tell others and ourselves what we feel and think.

Images courtesy of Robert Ireland, Pascal Campion and Christian Schloe