When Disappointing The Family Means Being Able To Be Yourself
Sometimes disappointing the family is almost obligatory in order to be free, to be able to reassert oneself as people, as individuals deserving of happiness and masters of their own independence. Breaking or discussing certain family dictates is a healthy act that allows for an interior and exterior renewal, and which at the same time forces our relatives to accept us as we are, for who we have become.
It’s not easy. During the first phase of the life cycle, there is always a moment in which the child wakes up and becomes fully aware of the subtle inconsistencies that exist in many family dynamics. He perceives with amazement, for example, behaviors that his parents impose severely on him, but which they do not put into practice. He struggles to understand even that bitter distance between the expectations placed on him and those he freely constructs, feels and considers.
Family rules are like little atoms colliding with each other. They create an invisible matter of which no one is aware, but which causes asphyxiation. The origin of these rules is due to intergenerational force, to one’s own system of unconscious beliefs, needs and codes; all aspects that are expressed not only by the content of the message, but also by the tone with which they are expressed and through non-verbal language.
Thus, almost without realizing it, we are shaped by a whole series of attitudes and beliefs that we internalize in silence, as well as with enormous suffering. Until, almost suddenly, we realize that we do not want to be part of those puzzles, we understand that our family is not always “functional” to our needs because of too many silences, too many low looks. It is at that moment that we decide to make decisions, to embark on our own path which, as a side effect, risks disappointing our parents.
Disappointing the family: the complexity of some family ties
When Luca came into the world, his mother was 41 and his father 46. For his parents, having just one child was not a choice, but the result of a very hard process. Before him, his mother had had four spontaneous abortions, and then had another one even after Luca’s birth. Without wanting it, and therefore without having desired it, Luca grew up under the weight of myriad expectations that his parents placed in him. A set of hopes, dreams and desires.
Yet, Luca has never been a good student, nor a docile and calm boy, much less obedient. The worst thing is that during these scholastic failures, he was forced to live with the ghost of his missing siblings, those children who never arrived and that his parents so regretted. “Surely one of them would have become an engineer like me”, “For sure one of them would have been more sensible, more responsible …”
In addition to the constant imaginary idealization of his parents, Luca also had to face comments from his grandparents and uncles. “Listen to your mother, forget about the music and focus on your career. Your parents have suffered so much for having you, it costs you nothing to make them happy for once … “
Now, having reached the age in which he can finally make himself responsible for his decisions, Luca has decided to take a course abroad to enter the conservatory. He is aware that he is letting the family down. He knows he is causing pain to his parents, but he is unable to recognize himself in that family paradigm inhabited by ghosts and impossible expectations. Luca needs to be fulfilled, to aspire to a coherent life in which it is he who does, he who says and he who feels.
When disappointing the family means opening your eyes
Last year an interesting study was conducted at the University of Utah in which the best strategies for helping people who consider themselves the “black sheep” within the family were illustrated. It will not surprise you to know that managing these situations is extremely complicated, so much so that the cause of many of our emotional problems is often that harsh set of values, needs and beliefs present in the family.
Knowing how to react, knowing how to effectively manage these realities is fundamental for our well-being. Thus, the three conclusions that the study brought to light can serve as an orientation if we are faced with a family situation of this type.
-We must perceive ourselves as “resilient black sheep”, or people capable of reacting to adversity with the intent to advance, but without forgetting all that we have lived and learned.
– Finding help, support and guidance outside our family circle is essential to be able to adopt other perspectives, to have more self-confidence and courage to decide.
-It is also necessary to be assertive towards our family, because expressing your needs, thoughts and desires aloud does not have to represent a threat if we do it in a respectful way, with maturity and conviction. Disappointment will only be an effective and necessary way to bring our parents closer to the truth.
In turn, and to conclude, it is important not to perceive ourselves as “marginalized”. Beyond the fact that many “black sheep” do not mind, at least in appearance, being destructive and challenging elements within the family unit, they often end up being slaves to that label that others have put on them. Precisely because of this label, many of these people are led to make decisions contrary to the wishes of the family only as a challenge, without even sharing the decision taken.
Let’s change our perspective on this twisted value that we were given a long time ago and we enter the point of view that sometimes disappointing the family has no negative connotations. It is a necessary act by which we reaffirm ourselves as independent people with a personal criterion.
Images courtesy of Łukasz Gładki
